Confessions Of An iPhone Appoholic

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 06:59

Hello. My name is Vince, and I’m an appaholic.

Yes, I can admit that, now. I used to think I could control it – but now, I know better. I’ve faced myself in the mirror, and I can put my phone down when I do it.

It started off so simply… After all, the basic cost of an app was only ninety-nine cents. I mean, heck, a dollar? The 99 Cent store has utter crap for that price. I could get stuff that was really helpful for one cent under a buck with my shiny new iPhone.

I wanted to be healthy – I mean what person doesn’t, right? – so I downloaded a weight monitor. It was cute, looked like a little robot. I put in my weight, and it automatically charted it. Wow! I suddenly knew where I stood in the world and, frankly, it wasn’t pretty. So I downloaded an app that let me input the caloric value of all the food I ate, and helped me keep my goals. But what happened when I went out to eat? Well, I found an app that constantly updates the nutritional information for restaurants and fast food joints – what could be the harm in that? I needed this info, right? That’s what the information age is all about, knowing stuff, right? Being informed.

But friend, that information comes at a price. In fact, a whole bunch of little prices, one after another.

Then the games started coming. Lots of them. I thought, “hey, I can get rid of that old Nintendo thing I have in a drawer and never use – that’s good, right? And heck, so many games have a free version – what could be the harm?”

Everyone here knows how that works, right? They give you a little taste: “Go ahead, friend, have a freebie on me. You’ve worked hard, you need a little – entertainment. What’s the harm in that?”

That’s how they hook you. I needed more than the first level. One platform out of one hundred wasn’t doing it for me – I needed more and more to fill the craving. I needed apps. I needed platform games, sports games, puzzle games. I kept telling myself it was ok. I was fine – I needed this stuff. What happens if I’m waiting in line? I need something to do, right? Something to bide my time. And it’s all so cheap! What’s the harm in that?

As you need more and more, the price starts going up. Want that hand-made game from the guy in Iowa? Sure that’s ninety-nine cents – but if you want something from a reputable game company my friend, that’s gonna cost you. It may only be $2.99 today, but it will go up, my friend, ’cause you’ll need more.

And the App store is just sitting there. Right on my computer – right on my phone. It calls to me – “Vince, check out the new apps at the App Store! You know you need them…”

Finally, I realized that I was an appoholic. I had to wade through twenty-seven pages of apps to find Google Maps. Backing up my iPhone took an hour and twenty-five minutes. I’d sit down for dinner, and my food would get cold while I looked up the nutritional value because I needed to know – and I needed my iPhone to tell me. Was it safe to eat? Only my iPhone could tell me. Only with an App from the App Store. Steve says it’s good.

And I kept looking. Is there an app to tell me if my friends are safe? I need to know! Do they like me – or do they just want my iPhone? That’s it, they want my Apps! Well, they can’t have them! They’re mine! Mine, I tell you! And I’ll stay in my house, if I have to – watching just the shows my iPhone tells me are good quality entertainment that are worth my time…

So that’s why I’m here with you today. Thanks to my sponsor, I’ve been clean for thirty days. Haven’t bought one app. And now, I can actually leave my phone in the other room without getting the shakes. Next week, I’m going to forget my iPhone at home on purpose. I’ll go out into the world app free, decide what movie I want to see, and pay for it at the box office, just like I used to do before I became an appoholic.

It’s good to say that. Freeing. I’m an appoholic.

No, no (sniffle), I’m fine. Just a little something in my eye…